Three Dollar Bill
by 3VAD127
Summary: Sokka's as straight as a three dollar bill... Wait, what? Post-war, complete nonsense, many characters OOC. If you want to read something that makes sense, this isn't the oneshot for you. Now 100 percent COMPLETE.


**Disclaimer:** "Avatar: The Last Airbender" belongs to Mike and Bryan. "Kim Possible" belongs to Mark and Bob. See, I own nothing; what a tragedy.

**Author's Notes:** I want you all to know that I wrote this oneshot while reading Tokka fanfiction, which is like drugs for me. And I had a few dozen Snickers bars, which didn't hurt, either. Be warned: This fic is on crack. If you want something that makes sense, don't read this. You won't like it.

If it's so dumb, why did I write it? Because Sokka's too funny to leave alone. (: Enjoy.

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Three Dollar Bill

Omashu. Gaoling. Ba Sing Se. Sokka had had enough of all of these freakish Earth Kingdom towns. He liked to travel, he liked to make trouble, and he liked to eat meat; it really grated him that they were staying in _another_ overly-pompous, completely overrated (and overpopulated) Earth Kingdom supercity. A metropolis of so much bustling activity, exaggerated advertising, and "secret" underground black markets that Sokka could've sworn he was back in Ba Sing Se.

Except it wasn't just the Earth Kingdom capital; it was all three cities bunched together into one huge, sprawling, yet still somewhat smaller-than-Ba-Sing-Se city. And this wonderful accommodation, Sokka's present hellhole, was called Kei Lan.

The Water Tribesman stared moodily at his pile of dwindling Pai Sho tiles. He shot a tortured gaze to his opponent and said, "Why do you hate me, Katara?"

His sister rolled her cerulean blue eyes, placing another circular piece on the round table before them. "I don't know why you're complaining when you're the one who's winning."

Sokka gazed at the table; well, what do you know. He _was_ winning. But he needed something to whine about, and he wasn't about to let Katara actually be _right_ for once. "Yeah, but… you have so many more tiles than me!"

"It's only because I don't know how to use them. Now shut up and stop complaining."

Toph, who was lying on the floor with her feet propped against the wall, stifled a snort. Sokka shot daggers across the room at her.

Their accommodations in Kei Lan were much like they were in Ba Sing Se, much to both Sokka and Toph's chagrin. The Pai Sho table was set up in the center of the room, right in front of a landing that branched into a hallway, leading to each of the four separate rooms. There was a bath attached to the back, and a kitchen located to the left of the center room. Pillows and mats were set up all over their apartment to accommodate their comfort needs.

Aang stared moodily out the small window facing the front of the apartment. "I'm bored," he announced unhappily.

Toph ignored him and pretended to be asleep; Katara said, "Why don't you go see what Zuko's up to?" Now about six months after the fall of Ozai, Iroh had taken charge of the Fire Nation, and Zuko was still traveling with the Gaang. They roamed all over the world, trying to quell arguments and fights and bring some amount of peace even though the Hundred Year War was over. That's why they found themselves staying the busy, stuffy, and quite boring city of Kei Lan.

Even though the war had sobered them all from the children they used to be, it was good to know at least some aspects of their personality had remained the same.

The Avatar nodded enthusiastically and rushed off to Zuko's room to see what he was up to.

Katara shook her head and turned back to the Pai Sho game. "I swear, sometimes I think I will never understand him."

Sokka placed the Monkey tile on the board. "That's not hard. He's just so… random."

She shrugged. "He's just Aang."

A shrill cry from the window interrupted their game. Toph tilted her head towards the noise. "What's that?" she asked.

Katara got up. "It looks like a messenger hawk," she noted. She removed the message from the bird's back and unrolled the scroll. "It's from Fire Lord Iroh. He wants us to come to the palace to celebrate the defeat of Ozai and the dawning of a new age."

Sokka groaned. "Not the Fire Nation _again_."

Aang and Zuko chose that moment to enter the conversation. Aang looked around the group. "What's going on?"

Toph said, "Iroh invited us to the palace to celebrate the end of the war."

Zuko perked up. "It'll be good to see Uncle again," he stated.

Sokka snickered. "How cute."

"Finally!" Toph flopped onto her back. "We're out of this hellhole."

"What are we waiting for?" Aang piped. "To the Fire Nation!"

"Woo-hoo."

--

It was amazing; they had only been in the Fire Nation for three minutes before they were separated by gender and ushered into separate rooms to prepare for the upcoming festivities.

"No _way_ I am wearing this," Sokka said holding up his "authentic" Water Tribe outfit. It was blue and trimmed in furs with the water symbol printed on the back. He thought the leather boots might be comfortable and were somewhat cool-looking (considering they resembled his own), but the getup looked way too hot for this nation's stifling weather.

"Aw, cheer up, Sokka," Aang chirped from the cot of the dressing room. "It doesn't look that bad. And it's not like you have to wear it the entire night."

"Easy for you to say," he grumbled, eying Aang's surprisingly well-made (and breathable) monk robes. The younger boy fingered the wooden pendant, tracing his fingers across the air symbol. He pretended not to hear Sokka's comment.

Zuko snickered from where he stood leaning against the wall. "It's revenge."

"For _what_?!"

The prince shrugged. "Just for being a butt."

The Water Tribesman groaned and rubbed his temples with his free hand. "This is not happening to me."

Aang got up from the cot. "Just wear it, Sokka," he said. "If all else fails, you can take off the coat and just wear the tunic. It's sleeveless."

"Yeah, but it's got a fur trim."

The Avatar shrugged. "It's better than nothing."

He sighed. "Fine. But no peeking!"

"Oh darn," Zuko said sarcastically, "I was so looking forward to that part. You've ruined my whole day, Sokka."

"Shut up."

"…Uhm, I'm gonna go see how Katara and Toph are doing."

"You do that."

--

Aang never did come back. Sokka struggled into his pants, fur-trimmed tunic, overcoat, leather boots, and whalebone armband, all the while antagonizing Zuko for being such a girl and getting dressed so quickly. The Fire Prince, of course, just poked him right back, telling him how manly it was to take such a long time putting on a bunch of clothes. But they both survived the harrowing incident and gathered in the Fire Lord's throne room—along with hundreds of others—where the celebration was to be held.

Buffet lines and seating tables lined the walls behind the main row of pillars; the rest of the room was a giant dance floor. The band was located in the back on a raised platform. Iroh stood in front of the throne, and immediately the crowd grew quiet. He said loudly, "I would like to thank you all for coming today, my friends. When I heard of plans to host a party celebrating Fire Lord Ozai's defeat, my overseers and I immediately agreed to volunteer to host such an honorable event. I hope that with the help of the Avatar—" he gestured to Aang, who waved sheepishly, "—and the healing salve of Time, all four nations will eventually come to peace once again, and balance will be restored to the world. I also wish that with the downfall of my brother, I as the new fire lord will be able to gain your respect and forgiveness for the horrors the Fire Nation has committed against you all in the past." The old general bowed his head. "But for now, let us celebrate!" He raised his hands in a very Iroh-like way, and the crowd thronged to the buffet and onto the dance floor as the band kicked up a lively Earth Kingdom beat.

Sokka and Zuko spotted the others in the crowd and started working their way towards them.

Katara's eye caught them; as soon as the Gaang was reformed, she said, "Where were you guys?"

Zuko straightened his gold-trimmed collar. "Well, after Baldie here left me to deal with Sokka and his clothing issues, we waited around for a while before heading up to the throne room like we were supposed to."

"But what took you so long?"

Zuko rolled his amber eyes. "Ponytail was having a wardrobe malfunction."

Sokka stewed. Toph snickered. Aang rubbed his neck uncomfortably, and Katara just looked annoyed. "OK… whatever. It doesn't matter. Just don't ruin this celebration… And Sokka, try not to get too drunk this time, alright?"

The warrior sputtered. "Me? It's Toph you have to watch for!"

"I'm keeping my eye on _both_ of you."

"Thanks a lot, Snoozles," the now-annoyed Earthbender muttered.

Aang looked around. "Hey Zuko, where's Mai?"

He shrugged. "I dunno."

"Uhm… isn't she like, your girlfriend or something?" Toph cocked an eyebrow.

"No… not anymore." The prince sounded depressed. "I wanted to surprise her for her birthday, so I showed up at her house only to find her kissing some other random guy. She said she missed me and she 'loved' me, but I was just gone too much. Said she was desperate for love." Zuko covered his face with one hand and let out a sigh.

Sokka hissed. "Ooh, bummer, man."

Toph nodded in agreement. "Ouch."

The Water Tribesman caught a familiar flash of green and gold out of the corner of his eye. "Hey guys," he said, "I'd love to stay and chat, but that beautiful Kyoshi warrior over there is practically begging me to dance. See you guys later." And with that, he was off.

Katara shook her head. Aang looked at her and said in a small voice, "Would you like to dance with me?"

The Waterbender turned her cerulean eyes on his and nodded eagerly. Aang led them out onto the floor, and they started dancing—twisting and twirling to the lively beat.

Toph rolled her eyes. "I swear, can those two flirt _any_ more?"

Zuko nodded in agreement. "It's so obvious they like each other." There was an awkward silence, and the prince looked around the room, anywhere but at Toph. He coughed and rubbed his neck. "Soo… you wanna, um, dance or something?"

She cocked her head in his direction. "As friends?"

He nodded before remembering she couldn't see it. "Yeah. As friends."

The Earthbender agreed and they walked out onto the dance floor; they started moving like they had seen Aang and Katara do, though not nearly as flirtatiously. "I'm sorry about your girlfriend," Toph said at last.

Zuko shrugged it off. "Ah, it's OK. I think deep down we could've had something… I think maybe I could've loved her. But she apparently just didn't want me… didn't want _us_." He looked away and searched for a new topic. "I know you like him," he said suddenly.

She looked surprised. "What?"

"Sokka."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"C'mon, Toph, don't play stupid." He offered her a rare grin. "I'm not blind, and even I can tell you're lying."

She sighed. "OK… So maybe I kinda sorta _might_ like him as my almost-perhaps-more-than-a-friend."

Zuko was satisfied. "It's OK; I'm not going to tell anyone."

Toph punched his arm. "Good, 'cause if you did, I'd have to say you wouldn't be Fire Lord for very long."

"I wouldn't be Fire Lord at all."

"Whatever."

They both smiled and continued dancing as friends, each with another love on their mind.

--

Sokka smiled affectionately at Suki as they finished dancing. She grinned and waved coyly, and he blushed. The Water Tribe teen excused himself and made his way over to a familiar pair of faces. "Hi Dad, Bato," he said. "I didn't know you were coming."

Hakoda, who was sitting at a table next to the stage, took a sip of tea. "At first, we weren't. Then Bato here talked me into it by saying it would be a good way to help bring in the last measure of peace. It's always good to have a representative from every nation, Southern Water Tribe included." Bato nodded from where he stood beside Hakoda. Sokka watched them intently.

His father fidgeted with his tea. "Sokka, there's something I've been meaning to tell you… something we've both been meaning to tell you." Bato placed a hand on Hakoda's shoulder, and he pressed forward. "I don't want you to overreact, but… I think I've finally moved on from your mother after all these years." Bato smiled at him, and he smiled back. "Bato and I have been best friends since day one, and we have just recently taken our relationship to a new level."

If Sokka had been drinking tea, it would've been all over the floor. "… Say what?!"

"Yes." Hakoda stood up. "I'm seeing Bato, Sokka."

"But… I can't—" Sokka's frazzled mind could not comprehend such a disturbing development. His father was _not_ gay, not by _any_ stretch of the imagination. "—and with _Bato_?! What about Mom? I mean, I guess she would want you to move on eventually, but that means with _another woman_! Not a guy! Dad, this is so—!" He started hyperventilating.

Hakoda stood and tried to calm his overreacting son. "Listen, Sokka, I know this is a lot to take in at once, but I guess Bato and I have always had feelings for each other. Your mother saw it when I couldn't." Sokka looked about ready to throw up. "She was OK with it, though, because I loved her with all my heart."

Hakoda and Bato drew uncomfortably close to each other. "And now I love Bato."

Sokka's brain had shut down. "Oh… my spirits…"

"It's OK, son." He placed a hand on Sokka's shoulder. "But I hope you can learn to accept this. This is who we are. And, speaking of that, I've had my eye on someone for you for a long time." The Water Tribesman looked over the crowd and motioned to Toph and Zuko, who were talking animatedly after their short dancing session. "That young boy over there with the scar is very attractive—and just your age. I think you should go talk to him."

"… WHAT?!" Hakoda was unfazed by his son's reaction. "But Dad, that's… Zuko! He's my awkward sorta-friend, and that's it! I like Suki!" His voice rose to an agonizing pitch.

"Calm down," he said, trying to soothe Sokka. "I just think you should go dance with him. He _is_ the next Fire Lord, and having a member of the Water Tribe and the Fire Nation involved in each other would be good for the peacemaking."

"But…" Sokka felt sick. "Eeww, Dad, you make it sound so _dirty_! Ugh!"

"Go, Sokka, now!" Hakoda shoved him on the back, and Sokka felt himself being pulled towards the middle of the dance floor. He had no idea why he was going there, but he couldn't stop himself. He tugged awkwardly at the fur around his neck. Stupid thing was so dang hot…!

Zuko was standing in the open space, apparently finished talking to Toph. He grabbed on to Sokka. "Do you want to dance?"

"NO."

"Great." The music was now a slow Water Tribe ballad, and Zuko took the liberty to place his hands in a very private place on Sokka's body. His face flushed dark red.

"Will you cut that out?" he hissed. He tried to stop, but his feet appeared to be moving of their own accord. He followed Zuko helplessly around the dance floor, unable to escape his horrible fate.

"No," Zuko said coyly. "This is fun."

"Ugh!" Sokka fought against the invisible bonds tying him to this stupid Firebender. It was like he was stuck in quicksand, desperately trying to pull away, yet the mire would always suck him right back in. "I barely even like you in that awkward platonic sort of way! What makes you think I could like you—" he shuddered, "—like _that_?" Sokka said the last part very softly.

"Aww," Zuko said, "it's like you're ashamed of us."

"_What_ us?!" Zuko's pale face got very, _very_ close to his own. Sokka could almost feel his heated breath across his face. Sokka pulled back, but Zuko followed him, pulling the Water Tribe teen just a little closer… And in a moment of completely sick and twisted fate, pale lips came crashing down on chocolate brown ones…

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!!" Sokka shot up in his bed, pale green sheets twisted tightly across his body and his dark skin shimmering in sweat. He gasped and grabbed the sheets, desperately trying to rid the ghastly images from his mind. "Holy crap holy crapholycrapholycrapholycrap…" He took a few moments to breathe and gaze at the sunlight filtering through his window. He remembered where he was—the small Earth Kingdom city of Gaoling. He and the Gaang were here to visit Toph's parents.

No party.

No Dad.

No Zuko.

He breathed a sigh of relief. "It was just a dream," he said out loud. He ran his fingers through his hair, which was down, and lay back down to try to catch some sleep.

Sokka was suddenly acutely aware of another body in the same bed with him.

The body stretched and yawned, and the Water Tribesman turned over to look at them. Sokka's companion smiled, tattooed hands stretched above his head and gray eyes staring back at him. "Good morning, beautiful," Aang said jokingly. "How was your night?"

Sokka screamed so loudly that all of Ba Sing Se heard him. And the Fire Nation. And Iroh, all the way back in the royal palace. He would never be the same again.

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**Post Author's Notes: **It's crapTASTIC! Feel free to flame; I hated it, too. Beware of the OOCness! (: Gah, this would _not_ leave me alone, and now it's finally out of my system. So now, tell me what you think!

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